Testicaliens Learn Early in Life That They're Usually Wrong

Some things perplex The Grasshopper.

For instance, why do grown ass people continue to throw other people under the proverbial bus?

It never ceases to amaze me. I'm a grown woman. You know what that means? It means that I have bigger balls than a good number of men. I means that I own up to my mistakes. Truth. I'll claim it as mine, put my name on the birth certificate and pony up the mistake support for however long it takes for the mistake to grow up and move far, far away and start having its own baby mistakes.

Because I'm grown. That's why.

I'm convinced that this must be more of a problem among the Ovarians. Not that there aren't some Testicaliens out there who will throw a brother (or a sister) under the bus every now and then.

Pretend there is dramatic music playing here...

This is for all of you men who like to write to me and tell me that I'm a male basher. Please, read on. Please, for the love of Testicaliens everywhere, please read on. I'm balls to the wall for you today. Enjoy.

My guess is there would be more men out there throwing other men, women, children, grannies, dogs, cats, armadillos and squirrels under the bus but they've been trained. You see, these Testicaliens are taught early on that they're usually wrong. And, even when they know for a certainty of fact that they aren't wrong, they know that the right answer is that they are, indeed, wrong. Where did they learn that?


So, through generations of the Ovarians brow-beating and tongue-thrashing these Testicaliens, we have actually made them stronger and better than us. How's that?

Through generations of the Ovarians brow-beating and tongue-thrashing these Testicaliens, we have actually made them stronger and better than us.

A Testicalien will admit when he's wrong. If he has truly been groomed and beaten appropriately, he will even admit to things that he isn't wrong about or things that he isn't sure he actually did. He will even admit to being wrong about things when he has no clue what you're talking about. He will just own up to that crap like a boss, take the punch and get on with drinking a beer or looking for his decapitated balls or whatever. He knows one thing: to survive he must stem the blood flow.

An Ovarian will throw you under the bus. Every. Single. Time.

Because women, as a whole, have not learned to take responsibility. So they will divert, deflect, defend, defecate, whatever. What they will not do is step up to the fire and get the burn that they deserve.

Okay. Not all of you. I don't want a horde of you Ovarians showing up here with a Greyhound and taking turns with the poor Grasshopper's aging body. But there sure as hell are a lot of you.

So we're going to take this preschool for the Ovarians (and the Testicaliens who have not been schooled appropriately) and go through some Grasshopper Bus Rules.

1. There must be someone driving the bus.
I'd guess at least 80% percent of you women want to drive the bus. Guess what? There's only one driver at a time. And, while you bitch and moan about wanting to drive the bus, the truth of this matter is that there are very few of you equipped to do it and, of those, an even smaller number who are willing to drive it. You want to bitch about who is driving. You want to say you can do it better. You want to cluck and peck. That's fine. There's room for that -- in the back of the bus.

2. Sit down and STFU. 
That's right. Sit down and STFU. If you aren't driving, shut up. If you don't like the driving, you have a few options. Ovarians like options. So, here you go girls.
  • You can sit down and STFU. Have I already mentioned that?
  • You can learn to drive. Then, you can tell folks to sit down and STFU.
  • You can stage a hostile takeover. In which case, you will need to know how to drive. Better learn first. Then, you can tell folks to sit down and STFU.
  • You can disembark from said bus. You can use the door. You can use the window. You can use the emergency exit. If you're on my bus, I don't have a preference. I'm not slowing down no matter which option you choose. But, if you hesitate, I will tell you to sit down and STFU.
  • You can sit silently, think your silent thoughts and roll your silent eyes as much as want as long as you sit down and STFU.
3. You will not try to be a backseat driver.
This is, again, where I should mention that you need to sit down and STFU. I don't know that I've made that clear yet. 

4. You will enjoy the ride or you will get off the bus. And, of course, STFU.
It's hard enough to drive a big bus without all of the clucking and clattering from the folks in the back trying to tell you what to do. This means no gossiping with your neighbor. This means no trying to make jokes that are not funny because they are steeped in your toxic juices of jealousy. This means you make a decision to stay on that bus and contribute to the well being of said bus and its safe journey. 

Not everyone can drive the bus. Not everyone wants to. It's all good like that. 

But for your vagina's sake, will you women stop throwing other women under the bus? I mean, damn. 

In full disclosure, I will admit that I will throw someone (Testicalien or Ovarian) under the bus. But only after they've thrown me under it previously a few times. There's only so many tire tread tracks I can handle along with the c-section scar. 

One thing is certain. If you want to drive the bus, you can. Learn how. Sit right behind the driver and see how it's done. Watch. Listen. Sit up straight and STFU until it is your turn.

I think it is high time for women to learn that in life, at home, at work or wherever, you are responsible for your own place on the bus and you are responsible for your own mistakes while you are there. Making a mistake and then trying to pawn it off on someone else isn't only bad form, it's a strong indicator that you will never be strong enough to make the decisions required to drive that bus alone. Or, at least, without wrecking it. 

Everyone makes a mistake from time to time while they are driving. Life is no different.

The difference is whether or not you learn from your mistakes and use them to grow yourself bigger and bolder or whether you decide to wither behind the facade of pretending it is someone else's mistake.

Leaders aren't people who are perfect. In fact, true leaders aren't afraid to show that they are human. Bosses want to look like they never make a mistake. Be a leader. Be a boss who is a leader. Be real.

If someone wants to throw me under the bus, I have been known to look them straight in the eye while they're doing it. I'm not going to get into a pissing contest. I won't forget though. Never take my quietness as a sign of weakness. It is anything but. There's a part of me that wants to see how far you will go. I want to watch it for the good bus wreck it is. Because one thing I've learned is that we all end up under there at some point. Only some of us have what it takes to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get back on that bus. 

And I know that I usually drive my bus. One day you're going to be standing at a bus stop and just a little too close to the edge of the road...

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