If a guy is feeling froggy, he'll jump. If not, he's not my toad to kiss.

I'm almost legendary for one liners.

I love them. I admire those who can throw one at me that makes me laugh.

It seems guys and gals are always trying to come up with the perfect opening to use to approach someone. There is one. It's simple. It works every time. If he/she is interested, it will hook them right there. It goes like this: "Hi."

If you're at crowded party, bar, sports event, etc., my estimate is that about 90% of communication doesn't involve your vocal chords. It's mainly about your eyes. Everyone should train their eyes to transmit what their mouth shouldn't be. Deep, locked, smoldering eye contact goes a lot farther than, "So, do you come here much?"

Open body language makes you approachable. And, girls, traveling in packs doesn't help your game. It intimidates most men. So, if you guys see a girl giving you her best "come hither" eye, you'd better act on it if you're interested. Girls, it's best to casually find a way to separate yourself from your group for a bit. Give him an opening to approach you without so many spectators. Go get yourself a drink. Chances are, he'll be standing nearby by time you finish your order.

With that said, I have never been picked up by someone at a bar and never have picked up someone at a bar. It's just not my thing. When I'm out, I'm out to have a good time with my friends. I'm not out to be her-assed.

I have heard some lines though. Cheesy, stupid, arrogant, repugnant and a plethora of other descriptive words could describe some guys' pickup lines. The best ever?

One night at a bar, many lives ago, a group of three guys called me over to their table. I walked up. One of the guys said, "I have a joke so funny it will make you laugh your titties off." Immediately after, he looked at my barely there chest and added, "Oh. I'm sorry. I see you've already heard it."

The entire table was shocked when I began laughing hysterically. It was funny. It wasn't as if I didn't know I was a "barely A" at the time. Didn't bother me. I'd rather have a man who values brains over boobs any day. After all, when you're old, your brain may lag from from time to time. But, there's no doubt that your boobs are going to sag all the time.

I really don't have any lines. I guess I've just never spent much time thinking about it. It is seldom, and I mean seldom, that I pursue anyone. I'm just not a chaser. I don't want to be chased either. My ideal relationships are those where members of the opposite sex meet me half way. I'm not the type who thinks that one person should ever do all of the work.

If I do decide to put myself "out there" and show a guy I'm totally into him, he's usually got, on average, two weeks to man up if he's interested. Occasionally, I'll go a good month. After that, I'm done. If a guy is feeling froggy, he'll jump. If not, he's not my toad to kiss.

Lesson: If you get a toad that isn't yours. Sure, you can kiss him. I assure you, however, that the first chance he gets he's gonna pee all over you. It's a simple act of nature there, my dear.

Back in the day, my "pick-up" method of choice was to cater to the male Achilles heel: his ego. I was a newspaper reporter. So, I just conveniently found a way to write an article that included him. Worked like magic!

Earlier today, I had a good ole teeth-sucker approach me at the gas station with what I think was a pickup line of some sort. As I was pumping gas, he sauntered by and peered into my car. He looked across the hood and said something that just about had me. I was ready to run away and be the queen of his double-wide trailer. I couldn't wait to slop his hogs, cook him some vittles and Ped Egg his feet. I was smitten. I almost ditched it all to head to his small outcropping to tend children and livestock with the rest of his kinfolk.

What did he say?

"Real women drive sticks," he said.

Seriously. Pause. Read it again. "Real women drive sticks."

Is that right? I was so flattered that I felt my knees get wobbly. Well, that could have been today's sweltering heat. Or just maybe that man had it going on...

Thankfully, there was no way that he could ever possibly be going the same way I was going. I was also busy contemplating a personal dilemma. In my tired stupor this morning, I had forgotten to shave under my arms. I could not spend a day channeling Julia Roberts, so I was hitting all of the convenience stores on the way searching for a razor. Sad but true.

"Is that right," I laughed.

"Yep," he said.

"Well, I guess you might be right but the exhaust fumes are kinda a deal breaker for me," I said.

He laughed but, you know, I really don't think he thought that I was very funny.

Oh well. Calling toad on that one.

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  1. I'd be your frog. for some reason I always think your talking to me when you writing these things. Are you telling me to jump. I also think that any toad who knows you even a little would be crazy not to try to get you to kiss them. You need to give more men a chance to show you there are still some good ones out there. If you gave me two weeks I think I would give you a lifetime. I wont piss on you unless you ask me to.

  2. u drive a stick???? impressive

  3. @Anonymous Wow! Such romance! You won't pee on me unless I ask you to? lol!!!! Nice.

  4. I usually pay more for a golden shower!

  5. pucker up sunshine. I've got your frog. lol JK

  6. WOW...R. Kelly reads and posts on your blogs!

  7. When I was stationed on Guam, there was a street sign in military housing for a lane called "Golden Showers." They also had a billiard hall named, "Pocket Pool."

  8. you don't need to train your eyes to do anything Grasshopper! My you have the most alluring eyes.

  9. I agree with you. I could stare into those beautiful eyes of yours all day long How any man could resist the grasshopper's eyes would suprise me. If I think I had a chance I would feel froggy and jump!

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