I have a confession. I fell for a groundhog.

I have a confession. Once upon a time, I fell for a groundhog.

I usually manage to avoid them. I'd advise you to do the same. Those little jokers only scurry out of their holes when they're sure the light of day won't blind them. They're just cute rats, really. And, they're destructive as hell.

Groundhogs like to burrow and to sleep. In other words, they're pretty damn self-centered. They live their lives doing what feels good to them. They're rodents after all. When presented with a real or imaginary threat, groundhogs retreat to the safety of their burrows. They're scaredy rats!

Of course, groundhogs aren't readily agreeable to captivity. While groundhogs can be socialized easily, they are known for their combative and evasive propensity when presented with the unknown and uncontrollable. Thus, we females scare the hell out of them.

Pretty much like the movie Groundhog Day, my little groundhog appears once a year. He climbs out of his burrow and takes a look around. After a few months of socializing, he scurries back to his hole to do who knows what. I'd imagine that he's watching sports on the Groundhog Network, stroking his fur and generally feeling pretty good with himself. Groundhogs are generally completely unaware of their surroundings and the havoc they wreak -- the carnage and heartbreak they leave behind.

Unlike the weather-predicting groundhogs we all watch for on Groundhog Day, this rat is always a harbinger of bad weather to come. It's always a longer winter after he makes his appearance.

These human groundhogs are, I think, not scared of their own shadows as their animal cousins are. Instead, they are terrified of the shadows of girlfriends past. They pop their heads up out of their sheltered holes for just an instant. Just long enough to cause a disturbance and then they're gone. Poof! Just...like...that. They want to get a taste of life but are terrified to stick around and risk savoring its flavors.

Maybe it's because they know that while some call them "land beavers", they'll never have the fortitude and wherewithal to build a successful fortress of emotions as a real beaver can. So, they scurry about in the dark of night so that they're not as easily recognized as the weak, incapable souls that they are. Trustworthy and conscionable are not descriptors that you'd hang on these guys.

So, they spend their time in darkness of the heart. Secretly hiding out, calling and texting unaware female beavers who are enthralled with their sweet disposition and cuddly nature, they manage to live without really risking living.

And, truthfully, they'd really rather just hang out with the other male groundhogs anyway.

So many of us watch Punxsutawney Phil and Gen. Beauregard Lee each year to see if they see their shadows or not.

I can't say that I really believe in all of that. I don't rest my prospect of an early summer or longer winter on the ambiguous antics of a glorified rat. I am interested though. I do keep up with it. We women are sometimes captivated by a quiet and timid nature, such as that which a groundhog exhibits. It is mysterious and interesting. The questions to consider are whether it is really shyness? Or, is it instead reluctance to let anyone see the true person lurking beneath the carefully preened fur of a serial groundhog?

I'm thinking the latter. It kind of makes you appreciate the straightforward, uncomplicated nature of a bottom-dwelling wharf rat. There's a lot to be said for a rat who accepts that he is a common rat and preys on female rats within his own rat class.

Most amusing to me is that the famous weather-predicting groundhogs supposedly speak Groundhogese to the members of their "Inner Circle." Maybe that's something for us women to consider. If men can take classes to learn how to harness and develop female intuition, perhaps somewhere they will begin teaching a class we can take in Groundhogese or "Manspeak" as I like to call it.

If I taught a class in Manspeak, I'd open the class each day by having all of the women burp their attendance. They would have to scratch themselves before answering any questions. If they passed gas in class, I'd give them extra credit. If they could convince me that they were unmarried and not in a relationship, even if they were married with a passle of kids at home, they'd graduate with honors and could skip the final exam.

Ahhh... and the final exam? Successfully being able to convince someone that they would only have sex with someone they care for. When, in fact, they are simply looking to get laid. I think I'll start working on the syllabus.
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart


  1. I'm sure they'd readily accept your class as an elective for athletes at UGA.

  2. Hi. My name is Bill and I am a groundhog. lol!!! Good one, GG. ;)

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