Some things perplex The Grasshopper.
For instance, why do grown ass people continue to throw other people under the proverbial bus?
It never ceases to amaze me. I'm a grown woman. You know what that means? It means that I have bigger balls than a good number of men. I means that I own up to my mistakes. Truth. I'll claim it as mine, put my name on the birth certificate and pony up the mistake support for however long it takes for the mistake to grow up and move far, far away and start having its own baby mistakes.
Because I'm grown. That's why.
I'm convinced that this must be more of a problem among the Ovarians. Not that there aren't some Testicaliens out there who will throw a brother (or a sister) under the bus every now and then.
Pretend there is dramatic music playing here...
This is for all of you men who like to write to me and tell me that I'm a male basher. Please, read on. Please, for the love of Testicaliens everywhere, please read on. I'm balls to the wall for you today. Enjoy.
My guess is there would be more men out there throwing other men, women, children, grannies, dogs, cats, armadillos and squirrels under the bus but they've been trained. You see, these Testicaliens are taught early on that they're usually wrong. And, even when they know for a certainty of fact that they aren't wrong, they know that the right answer is that they are, indeed, wrong. Where did they learn that?
So, through generations of the Ovarians brow-beating and tongue-thrashing these Testicaliens, we have actually made them stronger and better than us. How's that?
Through generations of the Ovarians brow-beating and tongue-thrashing these Testicaliens, we have actually made them stronger and better than us.
A Testicalien will admit when he's wrong. If he has truly been groomed and beaten appropriately, he will even admit to things that he isn't wrong about or things that he isn't sure he actually did. He will even admit to being wrong about things when he has no clue what you're talking about. He will just own up to that crap like a boss, take the punch and get on with drinking a beer or looking for his decapitated balls or whatever. He knows one thing: to survive he must stem the blood flow.
An Ovarian will throw you under the bus. Every. Single. Time.
Because women, as a whole, have not learned to take responsibility. So they will divert, deflect, defend, defecate, whatever. What they will not do is step up to the fire and get the burn that they deserve.
Okay. Not all of you. I don't want a horde of you Ovarians showing up here with a Greyhound and taking turns with the poor Grasshopper's aging body. But there sure as hell are a lot of you.
So we're going to take this preschool for the Ovarians (and the Testicaliens who have not been schooled appropriately) and go through some Grasshopper Bus Rules.
1. There must be someone driving the bus.
I'd guess at least 80% percent of you women want to drive the bus. Guess what? There's only one driver at a time. And, while you bitch and moan about wanting to drive the bus, the truth of this matter is that there are very few of you equipped to do it and, of those, an even smaller number who are willing to drive it. You want to bitch about who is driving. You want to say you can do it better. You want to cluck and peck. That's fine. There's room for that -- in the back of the bus.
2. Sit down and STFU.
That's right. Sit down and STFU. If you aren't driving, shut up. If you don't like the driving, you have a few options. Ovarians like options. So, here you go girls.
- You can sit down and STFU. Have I already mentioned that?
- You can learn to drive. Then, you can tell folks to sit down and STFU.
- You can stage a hostile takeover. In which case, you will need to know how to drive. Better learn first. Then, you can tell folks to sit down and STFU.
- You can disembark from said bus. You can use the door. You can use the window. You can use the emergency exit. If you're on my bus, I don't have a preference. I'm not slowing down no matter which option you choose. But, if you hesitate, I will tell you to sit down and STFU.
- You can sit silently, think your silent thoughts and roll your silent eyes as much as want as long as you sit down and STFU.