Naughty, Naughty: My Second Virginity

I recently had a total hysterectomy. As with most things, I think life is incomplete if you can't put a soundtrack with it. So, pardon the lyrical interventions here.

Don't tell me "I don't wanna be a girl like that"
Do you wanna see a grown man cry?
You don't wanna be a girl like that
Baby this could be the first time 

Before the procedure, the doctor let me know how the procedure was going to ummm "change" things down under. I was concerned. I was scared that my junk would lose its spunk.

Not to worry, he said. But, he warned, "sex the first time will be much like losing your virginity again." Say whaaaaaaat?

Ever hear someone say, "If I'd known then what I know now..." Yep. Yep. Yeppers.

I get a do over! A do over! Girls, let that resonate in your head. You get to do that shit over. Let that roll around in your head for a second. Guys, please put a towel over your laps. There's children around for goodness sake! Warning: offensive language coming because, well, it just fits way too snugly into the story. You get a fucking do over! (see how I did that? Smooth...)

Bedroom eyes, they undress me, take me, cut me to the bone
Lace and satin pressed against me, should we call a chaperone

The best part of this do over? Well, no one will even know if they're the first. If you wanted, you could keep that story up for, I'm guessing, two years or more.

What is most interesting is the reaction from you men out there. When I relate that I am about to embark on a second virginity, the immediate reponse? Me! Me! Me! Which makes me laugh. Because, it would appear, that guys want a do over as well. I tell ya, there's some perky peckers out there. You can practically hear the pimples popping up on their faces and the quick unwrapping of Big Red chewing gum.

Since I'm single, the process will likely be very much the same. I'm gonna be picky with my hickey. I think I'll even have a ribbon cutting. I haven't decided on the color ribbon yet although consensus at the moment is that white would be inappropriate. Hell, I may even wear a tiara and a sash.

To the married women out there, this is the perfect gift. Don't look at a hysterectomy as the end of the world. Schedule so that you emerge out of your recovery period (without periods!) near your husband's birthday, anniversary, Christmas or something. It's, you know, the gift that keeps on giving.

And you get to once again say...

Take it easy, hug and squeeze me, love outta line"

As for me, I'm contemplating selling raffle tickets for the big prize. Well, let me rephrase that. From what I understand, the small prize. I'm not reporting my earnings on my taxes, either. I wouldn't have needed a hysterectomy if Obama wasn't screwing me every time I turn around. I mean who doesn't want to drop $60,000 on uterine excavation? Big finger up to the healthcare industry on that one.

If you're wondering, the procedure itself wasn't all that bad. Bruce Jenner helicoptered in with his soft hands clutching a dazzling pink Yeti cooler to take my discarded uterus and appendages. I was a little jelly since his nails were painted and manicured much better than mine. That quickly changed however when the anesthetist walked in. Hotter than a dog in heat, he was. I quickly surmised that if anyone was going to roll me around naked in a bed, I wanted that guy to do it. Then a few hours later when I woke up and realized that Edward Scissorhands had raped me liberally while I was knocked out. Good news: there's no way that he could have knocked me up!

Astonishingly, I have found that men are turned on by a hoo hoo that is incapable of spitting out a little human that says goo goo. That's right. Female infertility is a turn on. It causes a hyster-erect-O-MY! in the testicle toters. Who would have thought?

Because the one thing that a guy is more scared of than losing his own virginity is knocking up a woman and sending her a check for the 15 minute memory for the next 18 years.

With your hair hung down, and your dress ridin' high
And your eyes burning hot like the sun,
Kiss me hard, squeeze me tight, gonna love you alright
Cause I'm a naughty, naughty, naughty guy

As an aside, I'm feeling somewhat redeemed. A few years ago, Little You cornered me in the kitchen after a riot of a slumber party with a horde of girls with no boobies yet. Evidently, one of the girls didn't approve of me. "Why," I inquired. "Because she said that you're not a virgin." I took a long pause. "She's clever isn't she," I replied. "How did she figure that out?" To which my daughter exploded in laughter. But with my virtue restored, I can now walk with my head held high.

Alas, I am a virgin again. Sort of. Except that I know now what I didn't know then. Honestly, I did not seeing this coming.

I shall be making a debut. Which means that I must have the proper clothes to wear to the balls. So, I've treated myself to an exorbitant shopping expedition to Victoria's Secret. To be honest, Victoria has never kept much of a secret. But when it's time for some naughty, naughty, she's a good person for advice.

Naughty naughty, cute and horny, t-t-t-t-t-tease me
Naughty naughty, loud and bawdy, love outta line
Naughty naughty, loud and bawdy, t-t-t-t-t-tease me.

Yes, this is like giving some guy a winning scratch off lottery ticket. Today, could be your day. The winner winner better buy me a chicken dinner though. A girl's gotta have her standards.


2 comments:

  1. Congrats on the new hoo ha! I have already committed the crime of raising children to adulthood in this PC, success and religion hating world. To my credit, they are conservative hate mongers like me. You know...Jesus and guns and all.

    Still I agree wholeheartedly with your words.

    "Astonishingly, I have found that men are turned on by a hoo hoo that is incapable of spitting out a little human that says goo goo." - True for me!

    Rock on!

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    Replies
    1. I am also more of a Freddie's man. Just Sayin'... Less secrets.

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