Jealousy is Poison. And It Makes Your Boobs Sag.

It's an ugly truth.

Many women find it hard to be happy for other women.

Be it jealously over relationships, work stature, money, cars, clothing, (you name it), the adult bully is alive and well in our culture. We commonly call these women "bitches." They will vilify your successes. They will celebrate your failures. They will do nothing to improve themselves. They will believe that they deserve better but, if questioned, really have no substantive reasons to give to explain why.

A recent survey of 5,000 workers found that an astonishing 45 percent of respondents claimed that women in their workplace are bullies. And, estrogen laden bullies pick on other women. Some 71 percent claimed that the usual target for female bullies was another woman.

My female readers, please a take moment. Think about your professional and social acquaintances. I bet you can name quite a few bullies right off the bat. Maybe it's a neighbor, a mom in the local sports league, a coworker, or a family member. You're more than likely to say that she's "mean" or a "real bitch." At the end of the day, she's a bully. And, she needs to grow the hell up.

Women can be covert, manipulative and conniving. They will often befriend the object of their bullying just to gather information to be used against her later. They usually travel in packs of two or more. An aggressor hell bent to bring another woman down to her own level of misery with her own life with a weak-kneed accomplice lending her motivation, support and validation. Women can be snarky, sneaky and hateful without any provocation.

Experts say that the root of female bullying is insecurity.

I'll buy that. But, I think the root of female bullying is generally one thing: unhappiness. Nothing pisses off a grown up mean girl more than seeing another woman who is happier that she is.

Generally speaking, these women don't have great marriages. These women don't have drop-dead toned bodies. These women don't have huge houses with an even bigger bank account. They don't have fashion magazine faces or runway ready wardrobes. What they do have is a huge Kardashian sized ass on their shoulders and they get off on the smell of the diarrhea that dribbles constantly from their mouths.

Insecurity about any of many aspects of a female's lifestyle can quickly give viability to that horrible green monster known as envy. Before you scoff at the problem, experts report that an alarming 30% of those women who get targeted by these "mean girls all grown up" end up with depression or post traumatic stress disorder. Can you imagine how horrific some of the bullying must be to achieve that sort of statistic?

Unlike their childhood bulling counterparts, adult female bullies don't go after the weakest link. They go after the women in their lives they perceive to have power. The rich. The famous. The beautiful. The successful. The talented. The STRONG (which is why it usually takes two or more).

Those same experts say there is very little you can do about a mean girl all grown up. You can ignore them, they say. Hope they go away. Turn the other perfectly toned ass cheek.

Or, you can distance yourself from them and do your own mental homework. Jealousy is in itself a compliment. A jealous woman is a woman who sees something another woman has and she wants.

Again. A jealous woman is a woman who sees something another woman has and she wants.

So, let her see it. Don't hide those flowers your awesome man sent you. Break out those Prada pumps. Use your title in your emails. Share photos of your newest home remodel. Mention that exotic, lush vacation. Hell, wear your mink to work. Invite your man to the office to take you out to a really long lunch and then muss up your hair on the way back into the building.

Because jealously is poison. It slowly eats away at a person's insides until there is nothing left but gas and a skeleton of a decent human being. It chips away at a woman's natural glow, leaving sallow, wrinkled, scowling lines behind. It shows in shaking jowls of hatefulness that hang limply from their weathered bodies.

It makes your boobs sag. Okay. There's no scientific evidence of that but if your spirit isn't perky, your ta-tas aren't either. So the Grasshopper says.

Rejoice in the "jealousy worthy" woman that you are! You worked for it. You deserve it. Just throw a gas mask in your designer handbag. It's gonna get smelly.

Stay up on that pedestal that the mean girls (not you) put you on. Just to be safe, you may want to wear pants. If men can have penis envy, there is no doubt in my mind that women can have Vagina Invidiousness.

You've got balls baby. Don't worry about a squirrel who is upset because they don't have a nut.



  1. One of the best yet! As a man I think that I too may suffer from Vagina Invidiousness. I am being treated by repeated exposure to see if that cures me. Well done Grasshoppa!

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