Yes. I Peed on His Wall.

Come On... Giggle With Me!
I know that all of us have our little weird quirks. It appears that most folks I know get more as they grow older. I also know that all of us have embarrassing moments. Moments where we desperately wish for a rewind button. Moments that, after they are over, we fervently try to erase them from our minds.

One of my quirks is is that I can't use the bathroom if someone else is around. Well, technically, I can. I just don't want to. I really, really don't want to.

It's a real problem. Like at work. If someone else is using one of the three stalls, I'll sit and wait until they leave. It doesn't matter how long it takes. There have been times that I've sat there squeezing and praying that they would leave as my bladder threatened to burst. Every so often, I get trapped in there while a woman brushes her teeth or puts on makeup. Once, I saw a woman strip completely bare and change clothes as I peeked through the crack, nearly crying from my over-full, screaming bladder pain.

In an instance since my divorcetant debut, I was at a guy's house and had to pee. Bad. Really bad. But, the bathroom was just steps away from the couch and I knew that he might be able to hear me pee.

I know. I have a problem. But, hey, my problem could be worse. As it is, it's an issue but it's a manageable issue.

Yes, I know everyone does it. Supposedly everyone masturbates but it doesn't mean that they want someone to hear them.

In any case, I finally broke down and went the bathroom. I had a novel idea as I settled onto the seat for some sweet relief. I postulated that I could muffle the sound of the impending downpour by wadding up a handful of toilet paper and putting it into the tremendous stream coming from my disturbingly large bladder full of wine. Thus, I'd break its momentum when it hit the water and reduce the noise. You know, they don't teach you useful stuff like this in school. They should. It was quite clever. Until...

I didn't count on the velocity of said stream which hit the paper and rebounded to splatter all over the bathroom wall. Big, dark splotches of pee all over the wall.

I sat for several minutes looking at the pee polka dotted wall by the toilet.

To this day, I wonder... Do you think he'd be pissed if he knew what happened?

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5 comments:

  1. You should really seek help to get over this phobia as I fear it may have led to some of your medical problems down there.

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  2. You pissed his wall and I almost pissed my pants laughing. Well done Ms. Grasshopper!

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  3. Good theory, however, the urge to pee in private doesn't cause kidney stones. :)

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  4. Take solace that you've not reached Billy Carter's mark of peeing on the Wailing Wall in Jersusalem.

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  5. But weren't you full of vinegar, too? What happened to that?
    -Dean

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