Once you're an ex, there's always plenty of time to find your Next.

 You're so vain, you probably think this blog post is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this blog post is about you
Don't you? don't you?

The best advice I got during my divorce: "You'll know you're over it when you no longer feel the urge to say or do something mean to him."

The worse advice I got during my divorce: "Why don't you go to the divorce support group meetings? That would be a good place to meet single guys."

Yeah, as if what I want to do is meet someone who is still hung up on his ex. Newly divorced people are like spinning time bombs. Get involved with one, and you'd better expect to be a casualty.

There is always what a friend of mine calls the "transition person." It doesn't matter how "right" you think the two of you are, if you're the first person in line to date a newly divorced person, you can bet it probably isn't going to end well.

I've always figured that it took a year after a divorce for someone to be emotionally and psychologically healed enough to have a real relationship that had meaningful substance to it. A guy friend counters that it takes at least two years.

I avoid the newly divorced. I've had enough heartache in my life. I'd never go into a situation that I know won't led to something meaningful. It's just not worth my time or effort.

But, how do you know someone is not over their ex?
  1. They have nothing good to say about the ex. They spend way too much time bitching and moaning about everything their ex did wrong in the relationship.
  2. They blame the demise of the relationship on their ex. It takes two to make a relationship. It takes two to destroy it. While one or the other may have been more at fault for the failure, we all can lay claim to doing some things that we should have done differently.
  3. They avoid situations where they may run into the ex. Such as funerals, weddings, school activities, ball games, etc. While you may not want to see an ex, if you're over him/her seeing that person really shouldn't rattle you to the point of avoidance of situations where a sighting is likely to occur.
  4. He constantly brings her up in conversations. Sure, it is going to come up from time to time. But, if that is all he talks about...run!
  5. He cleverly avoids telling you why he got divorced. I like to know what happened that led to the divorce. I'm not being nosy. I'm protecting myself. I don't need to know every detail but a general overview is nice and expected. For instance, did he cheat? Did she cheat? Did he beat her? Was she an alcoholic? Did she catch him in bed with another man? Or, was it just a general incompatibility? I need to know. Likewise, I'll own up to what I did wrong in my demised marriage. Nothing to hide is a good thing. 
  6. He constantly compares you to his ex.
  7. You notice a substantial mood change when he finds out she has a new man in her life. Or, he berates her boy friend/husband for no real reason.
  8. His iPod "favorites" list contains a lot of break-up or angry I-hate-you songs. If the song that they danced their first dance to at their wedding is on there, you might as well cut your losses and walk away.
  9. He still has a picture of her in his wallet.
  10. She can do nothing right. Look, there was a reason he fell in love with and married her. If he's truly over her, he's bound to see she has some positive qualities such as she's a good mother, she's intelligent, she's a hard worker, etc. If all he does is put her down and talk about all of her shortcomings, he's not over her quite yet.
How do you know that you're over your ex?
  1. The thought of your ex having sex with someone else doesn't bother you. And, it grosses you out a little.
  2. You hardly ever think of them. And, when you do it doesn't make your blood boil or your heart twinge.
  3. When you're around them, you feel nothing. You don't feel hate or love or anything between those points. It's a weird sort of numbness. Don't take that for not caring. You can care. You should care. It's human to still care about someone you once loved. 
  4. The thought of getting back together with your ex scares the hell out of you.
  5. You can listen to music that reminds you of your ex and it doesn't tear you up inside. You may switch the channel but doesn't transform you into nervous wreck who needs an IV drip of Valium.
  6. The game is over. You no longer feel the need to show off your new hot body, your new hard bodied boyfriend or anything else to your ex. You have nothing left to prove to him or to yourself.
  7. You're either indifferent or pleased to hear that your ex is doing well. 
  8. You're able to go to restaurants or vacation spots you once went to with your ex and it doesn't bother you.
  9. You no longer feel the urge to seek any type of revenge. That includes having sex with any of his current/former friends or enemies.
  10. You no longer read their horoscope. This is probably a girl thing.
  11. You put your kid's happiness first. You realize that fighting with your ex is not good for anyone. You realize that you're a grown-up and putting the past aside is the best thing for your kids. 
Look, if you're not over your ex, save the unsuspecting fools who date you a lot of grief. Stay away from the dating scene until you are over it. Over it. Have one-night stands if you must, but don't drag someone's heart around who's a normal person and is looking for a solid relationship.

Once you're an ex, there's always plenty of time to find your Next.



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14 comments:

  1. Amen Grasshopper! Amen!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so vain, I definitely think this blog post is about me
    I'm so vain, I absolutely think this song is about me
    I do! I do!

    ReplyDelete
  3. We Love the Grasshopper!May 28, 2011 at 12:42 PM

    Whatever! This blog post is about me. Back off! lol

    ReplyDelete
  4. I stick by the two year assessment. I will clarify by saying that divorced for one year after you have been separated for a year (not in the same house) is possibly ok. Great Post!

    ReplyDelete
  5. hot damn! Grasshopper's hot!

    ReplyDelete
  6. "They avoid situations where they may run into the ex."..... and all this time I thought I just didn't like Biker Bars and Crackhouses. So really I was just avoiding the ex? Thanks Grasshopper!

    ReplyDelete
  7. There are exceptions. I met Patricia six weeks after my divorce was final. She was the second girl I had dated since I was divorced. That was almost 13 years ago. I nearly ran like hell when it got serious, just because it had been so soon since the split (didn't think I was ready for Ms. Right so soon), but I was definitely over it and looking forward, not backward.
    -Dean

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