First-Last Dates have evolved into Almost First-Last Dates. Nice.

It takes a big man to cry. An even bigger man to laugh about it. A tiny woman can make them both feel small.

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Do you think dinosaurs hike their legs up to pee? Just wondering. I learned just about everything else besides that over a Big Mac and fries with Little Me and Little You tonight. I even got to referee an argument over who can run faster: a T-Rex or a Triceratops. Thank you Dino Dan. Appreciate the knowledge.

And, is a chicken really a dinosaur? Really?
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I can remember my grandparents' telephone number from over 35 years ago. I haven't even dialed it in over 20 years. I wish I could reallocate that memory to remembering my password to access my auto loan. I was married for 10 years and never could remember the exact date of my husband's birthday. A boy I had a crush on when I was 8 was born on Nov. 1. Now, that I remember. Those thoughts alone give me profound insight into the workings of a man's man. We should forgive them. I really don't think they can help it. They really do forget.

Tonight, Little You had to ask me how old she is. She couldn't remember. Hell, I can't remember how old I am either. A couple of years ago, I began telling everyone I was 40. I figured it would be nice to hear compliments on how I don't look my age for a few years before hitting the big 4-0. Now, I struggle to remember what my age really is.

I'm of the mind that at this point age doesn't matter much. I'll start keeping up with it when I'm closer to getting to enjoy some senior citizen discounts at restaurants that will serve a bunch of food I can't eat anyway. By then, I'll be avoiding salt, too fat for sugar, too clogged for cholesterol, have too few teeth for steak and will be too grumpy for dessert because those young whippersnappers at the table next to me keep making jokes that aren't funny.
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Advice for buying your next house. Don't buy a house next to anyone who is retired. They will just make you feel lazy. They will make your yard look ugly. The grass will always be greener on the other side of the driveway.

Buy a house next to someone who has to choose which needs cutting more: the grass in the yard or the grass on her legs. Likewise, if you're single-mingling, sit next to your ugly friend. I won't mind and it will make you look better.
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My most recent dating slap in the face. A guy made it very clear that if we went out that he expected us to have sex on the first date. I politely tried to hem and haw. I pointed out that isn't my style. I noted that there has to be a special chemistry there and there's no way to predict that before a blind date. I used the word "pressure." He used the word "controlling." As in, I was trying to control the relationship. "What are you? Sixteen," he asked. I guess I am.

Now, instead of a lot of First-Last Dates, I'm stepping things up a little. I've now progressed to Almost First-Last Dates. Much more relaxing. No picking out clothes. No makeup needed. No need to wonder who's picking up the check. Instead, you just sit at home and bitch. You know... the exact same things I really was doing as a teenager about 129 years ago.

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10 comments:

  1. I dated a very nice donut waitress when I was 21. She accompanied me to a medical test at the hospital, and commented about a local gent who took all his dates to the hospital cafeteria. Alternately, he would keep very careful tabs on happy hour food around town, and make the gals hop from bar to bar with him to feed them.
    He got lots of FIRST dates.
    Yep, hospital cafeteria.
    -Dean

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