Congratulations on a Bouncer Baby Boy

Some people have bouncing baby boys. Then there are those who somehow manage to give birth to a bouncer baby boy.

Welcome to the world "tiny" little Matthew Maldanado of California. He arrived at a scale-tipping 14 pounds, 3.6 ounces.

"Oh, damn!," his doctor said when he peered into his mom's womb during the C-section. Oh damn is right. If I was his mom, there would have been some other four letter words said as well -- to his daddy.

The mom was in labor pain for two days. She'll have back pain for the rest of her life. Then there's the horror of giving birth to a baby the size of an Oompa Loompa. She'll never get over that.

I recall when I went for my first prenatal appointment. The doctor told me that I'd have no problem delivering up to a 7-pound baby. I was so naive. These days, a 7-pound baby isn't anything.

After a dicey inducement that led to an emergency botched C-section with Little You, I delivered Little Me the old fashioned way. Little You made things hard on both of us. She chose to present in transverse breech. Little Me got it right. Although he did take a full 23 hours to make up his mind that he wanted to come into the world. He's been spending just about every waking moment since then trying to find a way back in. Yes, he's a typical male.

My babies were tiny. Both were just 6 pounds, 4 ounces. Madison was a beautiful baby. Beau looked like Yoda on meth. One I marveled at. The other I laughed at.

If I gave birth to a baby hulk, when I could walk six months later, I'd beat his father's ass. Repeatedly. Once for every pound. Then, he'd get his nasty little testicles snipped. If he didn't, I'd just wrap a rubberband around them one night when he was asleep. Problem solved.

I think most people in California are weirdos. Maybe it's the earthquakes. Maybe it's some sort of mental deficiency from anesthesia, Botox or silicone poisoning. In any case, it seems to be the place for baby whoppers. In the case of these babies, it isn't called birthing. It is called calving.

A few years ago, another California woman gave birth to a boy, also by C-section, just before Christmas. He was 14 pounds as well. He was born bigger than both of my children were at a year old.

Little You was born on our first anniversary. I recall waking from delivery and writhing in pain. I looked her doting Daddy in the eye and told him not to worry about ever getting me another anniversary gift. I wonder if she felt the same way about Christmas presents?

In 2007, a Sibernian woman gave birth to a big girl. She was 17.1 pounds at birth. I bet no one messed with that baby in pre-school. She wasn't fat. She was big boned.

There are the occasional huge babies. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the heaviest boy on record was born in 1879. He weighed in at 23 pounds, 12 ounces. Nearly 24 pounds. While you think about that, also consider, this was way before modern medicine and the C-section. No reports on whether the mom lived. Or, as it would be in my case, how long the father lived afterward.

I'd bet his mom did think long and hard about him being an only child though.

My wonderful OB-GYN and I had a conversation years ago about increasing birth weights of babies. I was terribly sick throughout both of my pregnancies. I suppose my kids were lucky to weigh as much as they did. My sister joked that pregnancy was a diet for me. I weighed less the day after delivering both of them than I did the day I got pregnant. I only gained 11 pounds with Little You. I gained 13 with Little Me. I have a friend who gained nearly 80 pounds during one of her pregnancies.

He assured me that my kids were a healthy weight and said that the rising birth weight of babies wasn't good for moms or their offspring. Or, as the cases evidenced above, their hoo-hoos in my humble opinion.

The reasons for the bigger babies, can be attributed to education and living better. Yep, that's right. Not smoking, avoiding alcohol and limiting caffeine have been linked to bigger babies. Also, the more educated a woman is the more likely her baby will be bigger. Of course, there's also gestational diabetes to blame in some cases.

If I gave birth to one of those jokers, I'm sure he'd come out of me spinning my uterus on one finger like a Harlem Globetrotter. At least that would be security that I wouldn't have to go through it again. I could then get back to my drinking, smoking, and caffeine pills. Plus, Whitney Houston gets miffed when I don't show up every few weeks for her Crack Attack Party.

I beg to differ with some of that. I know a woman who gave birth to a 12 pound boy. She's an idiot. Certified. Her husband is barely intelligent enough to not drown when it rains. But, I guess they don't don't drink, smoke crack or suck on Mountain Dew.

One of the biggest drawbacks of having a big baby is the horrible little thing that a lot of us do. It makes it much harder to pass off your five-year-old for a four-year-old so that he can get in free.

You men folks can use this to your advantage. Next time your woman starts all of the moaning and groaning about having forced a small human the size of a bowling ball out of her hoo-hoo, you can ha-ha and tell her it could have been worse. It could have been the size of a beach ball.

Then, you'd best run out of arm's length. And scurry real quick like and throw away all of the rubberbands.

4 comments:

  1. this was hilarious. Little Me looks like a tiny little doll in that photo. She was gorgeous!

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  2. I love, love, love, love reading your blog! You always make me laugh. I can't wait to share this one.

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  3. He won't be giving her a Mother's Day gift - he should save it and present it on Labor Day.

    We have an uncle who was 12 pounds and change, natural child birth (at home, I believe). He used to joke with my grandma that "he was picking potatoes before he was born" and she'd get very, very angry at him.
    Wonderful article, Stephanie!
    Now for the new bumper sticker: 'Save the Hoo-Hoo's" in sympathy for their husbands.

    -Dean

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