Dating Bingo: I keep getting all the wrong balls!

Getting old is inevitable. Or, at least you hope it is. It's better to get old than to not live long enough to get old. I'm kind of looking forward to it.

Since it's coming one day, which is a day that is getting closer each and every day, I've decided that I'm going to look at the perks of old age. Kind of the "if you can't beat them, join them" approach to wrinkles, saggy boobs and pooping in a bag.

Among the things I'm looking forward to are becoming an alcoholic and partaking of some therapeutic (i.e. medically needed) weed. I skipped that stage in college. I figure if I have nothing to do all day and I'm 80, why the hell not? I'll drink, smoke up and watch vintage Jerry Springer. I'll be the coolest great-grandma around. I'll say what I want when I want. I will think of odd demands to make of my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, such as never turning their backs to me when they're walking away. I figure if the Queen of England doesn't have to look at someone's ass, why should I? When they're not around, I will undermine my great-grandchildren's parents and let them do whatever they want...including having a nip of the old fire water if they want it. I ain't sharing the weed though. I do have standards.

I may pass gas in front of company. I might burp. I'll probably start wearing underwear. I will play lots of practical jokes on anyone that I can find. I will definitely play dead. I'm sure that one will be a riot!

But, I think I'm going to have to give up one of the things that I was looking forward to: Bingo. I like the game, really. And, I couldn't wait to sit in a cafeteria full of farting, drooling blue hairs waiting for someone to yell "Bingo" and a pissed off elder to clock them in the head with a cane or a bed pan. I would probably even instigate. Not that instigating would be anything new. It would just be quite special in such an environment. And, instigation is, at times, one of my best gifts. Just ask my friends.

If my luck with Dating Bingo is any indication of my innate ability to get the right balls on my card, well, folks, I'm screwed. I suck at Dating Bingo. In fact, all I ever get are the wrong balls. Or, the right balls at the wrong time. I've heard that some people have gotten those lucky winning balls. That may just be a myth though.

A couple of times, I've got right up to "Bingo" just to have the game thrown by some ho-by-night chicky chick, who I didn't even realize was in the freaking game the begin with. Disgruntled? Yeah. But, I just get another card and wait for more balls to come along. They always do.

Some balls you know just aren't on your card. You know, someone with drug addiction, etc. There's no 8 ball on my card, just so you know. No number 1 either. If he thinks he's all that...well, he can pretty much keep all of that to himself. I'll just wait for another number. Like I said. There's always more balls coming along.

Dating Bingo is fairly complicated. Most cards you can't win just by getting a diagonal row. And, that space that they claim is "FREE"? That's just a gimmick. Ain't crap free in Dating Bingo. You pay and you pay out the ass!

Bingo is a game of chance. Yes, indeed, indeed, indeed. There is virtually an unlimited number of patterns of play, making this quite the game of complicated chance and strategy. Each new Bingo round features a new pattern of numbers you must fulfill in order to get to yell that victorious "BINGO!".

Now one of the problems here is whether or not you decide to play several Dating Bingo cards at once or just one at a time. The plus for multiple cards is that it keeps you really busy. Lots of balls bouncing around and all. But, sometimes you might miss a number or two and, thus, miss out on a Bingo just because your attention was diverted elsewhere. And, it's easy to get confused and accidentally mark the wrong number on the wrong card. Next thing you know, there are balls everywhere and you're totally confused.

That is why I choose to play just one Dating Bingo card at a time. There have been instances where I have started out with a few cards at the beginning of the game and then tossed the others as I filled up more spots on a particular card that I prospected might be a winner. But, alas, I have not won.

And, alas, I do sometimes wonder if the ones I tossed in the trash may have made a last-minute impressive run to a wild win had I given them more faith. I have even been known to stand there holding my card in disbelief that it didn't win. Sometimes I have too much optimism (or stupidity) like that. I've even been told from the get-go that a card was a sure loser. Did I listen? No. Did I regret it? Yes. Will I do it again? Probably (hanging head in shame).

Dating Bingo rules and etiquette
  • You cannot trade cards. 
  • You cannot play a card that a friend has previously played.
  • You cannot play a card that is related to you. Likewise, you cannot play multiple cards that are related to each other.
  • You cannot mark numbers that have not been called. Only losers cheat.
  • You may get a new card during a game if you do so quickly so as not to disturb other players. 
  • You don't have to play. But, you can't win if you don't play.
  • Do not eye another player's card. 
  • Do not ask for help. It's your card and your balls. Deal with it. 
  • Stay on your team. If you switch teams, be prepared for people to talk about you. 
  • Don't brag. It's just ugly. 
  • You should not tell another player how to play their card. 
  • If you win, don't gloat. It was just accidental luck. 
  • The most important rule: If you are married or dating someone else you cannot play. I say that again. You are not allowed to play Dating Bingo!
It should give you pause that there is a song about a dog named Bingo. And, added pause that there really isn't much substance to it. There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o. B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! And that I went out him I am ashamed-o! L-O-S-E-R! L-O-S-E-R! L-O-S-E-R! and ___________ was his name-o. (laugh... I am and, by the way, loser was the only word that I could think of that had the right amount of letters)

Some Dating Bingo lingo 
you should commit to memory...
He's Cased: This means that you're almost there. This could be the one. One more number and you're going to yell "Bingo." I thought I was close to Dating Bingo a few times. Turns out that I'm a dating dyslexic. Those 6s and 9s messed me all up.

Jumping the Gun: This is when you call Dating "Bingo" when, in fact, you have not won at all. This could be, for example, because you find the perfect guy and then somewhere along the line you stumble across his perfect wife. Or, his perfectly polished gay lover. Whatever. In any case, you cannot declare "Bingo" too soon. And, as an aside, you can't wait too long either. I have a friend this happened to. You wait too long and someone else gets your "Bingo." Also, Jumping the Gun can also mean having sex too soon. Just not a good idea no matter how good those balls are looking. The Grasshopper is all for jumping. Just look really well before you leap girls. Make sure it's worth the exertion.

Standard: Typical balls. A guy who likes sports, wants to work to pay his own way,  is good to his Momma, opens doors, has decent manners, etc. Not really so "standard" anymore but he's the typical animal you would see under the description of a man.

False Alarm: This is when you call "Bingo" just to realize almost immediately after that you have totally ****ed up. You didn't win. Your card isn't full. You were just in too much of a  hurry to beat another girl to the dude that you overlooked some spots. That's okay.  Alright...Stop. Collaborate! And listen. Then get back to the game. It is hard to recover from a False Alarm gracefully. But, I have faith in you. Ice, Ice, Baby. 

Crying Numbers: I'm not even gonna start on this one. Assholes!

Variations of the game are many. 
U Pick 'Em Bingo. This is the hardest version for me. I'm just not good at taking a look at a card and knowing whether or not it will be a winner. I have wonderful intuition about other things. But not this. I'm actually thinking that perhaps I should start playing Someone Else Picks 'Em Bingo instead.

Horse Racing Bingo. Hmmmm.... There might be some possibilities for a fun game here. I jest. Horses crap everywhere. Yes, you get the horse. But, you also get all of the shit that comes with him. Ask anyone who has a horse and they will tell you that a horse will cost you a lot of money and give you very little in return. Basically, they just eat and bask in their horseness. Pass...

Buzzword Bingo. This is also known as Bullshit Bingo. I kid you not. Look it up. I can't believe this isn't the most widely played game. From my experience in the past year, there's lots of balls looking to get in a game of Bullshit Bingo. It's probably the next rave out there. Kind of like Beer Pong? 

Road Kill Bingo. This is when you play Dating Bingo and the dude turns out to be a real animal but not in the sexy type of way you might hope. A hairy gorilla perhaps. Or, a stinky skunk. Or, even an overzealous and not selective Mounting Liar. Ahem... sorry... I meant mountain lion. Silly me. 

Slingo: This is a blended game. This involves a dose of electronic dating added to the mix. It's kind of what the trend is now.

I'm not sure if I'll ever get the chance to stand up and bounce on my chair Tom Cruise style and enthusiastically yell "Bingo" to a crowd of pissed off fellow Dating Bingo players. I'm kind of scared of that day. I mean, if old people hit each other with canes and bed pans, what in hell is a single woman gonna hit me with?

I can only imagine.

Gotta go.... I think they just called one of my numbers. Today could be the day.



  1. I gots your bingo grasshopper! lol Thanks for the laugh ----- TW

  2. One of your best yet. Thanks!

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