Dear Cute Single Guy:
I know the dating scene is hard for all of us. So, being the kind, considerate single gal that I am, I have composed a brief, introductory, list of things for you to consider before hitting a vixen up.
- Don't wear blue jean shorts (AKA jorts). I recently heard from a friend that this was a Gator fan thing. But, alas, I'm not in Florida so I have to think that that isn't the only common denominator. Other things to nix from your wardrobe: capris (manpris), pleated pants, tank tops, overalls (unless you're over the age of 60), skinny jeans (manihose), woven leather shoes or mandals, short shorts, any piece of clothing that looks like Keven Federline, Michael Jackson or Elton John might own it, plastic wind suits, anything with tropical flowers on it, earrings, chunky necklaces.
- Do wear cologne. Don't bathe in it or we'll think you're trying to hide the smell of .... ummm... something else. And, please pour out the Drakkar Noir and the CK One. There are a lot of great choices on the market now. Find one. Or, ask your girl to help you pick out something she likes. (As an aside, don't buy your woman perfume because you thought it smelled great on an ex. Don't doubt my wisdom on this one. I speak from experience.)
- Don't get a perm. And, for that matter, I'd say nix the highlights as well. If you haven't starred in a movie recently or headlined in a band, this just is not going to work out in your best interest.
- Don't pierce your ears, your junk, your boobs, your nose, your lip, your eyebrow or anything else you find that you can force a piece of metal through. If I feel the need to see such things, I'll pick up a copy of National Geographic. Plus, it will give me an opportunity to marvel at the incredible ability of a breast to stretch to lengths of 2-feet or more.
- Don't use the economy as a reason for anything. If you don't have the money to take a girl out, get creative. Spending a lot of money on a date isn't required. Put some originality into your effort and you might be surprised at how not shallow we women are! Idea: pack a picnic, a bottle of wine, a blanket and your best stories of how cute you were as a little boy. Smitten!
- Don't play games. A man that says what he means and means what he says: a huge turn on. Totally smoking hot. A man that doesn't call when he says he will, flakes on plans, dodges questions or thinks that pursuing is a one way street and the girl is the driver might get her attention for a little while. But you can rest assured at the first intersection, that chick is going to make a right hand turn from the left hand lane. Hell, I might even do an illegal u-turn. Women are not hunters. We are gatherers. The man who has impressed me the most in my years of dating was the one who asked me for a second date at the end of the first. My first thought: Wow, finally a real man.
- Don't cry. If your dog gets ran over, a family member dies or some other appropriate event occurs, we'll find tears endearing (a trickle, mind you, not a stream). But, if you're blubbering all about because we hurt your feelings by telling you that your constant dribble is getting on our nerves: not good. (Not that the Grasshopper would ever say anything to hurt someone's feelings. Can you feel the sarcasm?)
- Don't show up for a date all sweaty. Look, if things go well and both of you end up sweaty, that's sexy. If you show up at her door that way, you'll definitely be leaving high and dry.
I have no desire to continue raising some other woman's son nearly 40 years after he clawed his way out of her womb and immediately began begging for her teat.
- Don't comb your hair in front of me. Never use hairspray. If you take more time to get ready than I do, I'm going to consider you high maintenance. I have kids. I'm raising a son already. I have no desire to continue raising some other woman's son nearly 40 years after he clawed his way out of her womb and immediately began begging for her teat.Which brings me to...
- Don't compare me to your mother. If your mom isn't gonna do magic tricks with your wand, leave her out of the show and concentrate on the woman in the skimpy lingerie who will.
- Don't let me experience any of your bodily functions. Look, I know you do those things. I just prefer not to be privy to the details. This also includes spitting and blowing your nose with that one-finger-against-your-nostril thing that a guy does while walking. Crop dusting and hacking loogies are grounds for a break-up. If you're ever tempted to do it, just imagine your woman asking you to change her tampon for her. Yep...that's how we feel, too. Hold on...I just threw up in my mouth a little with that one. You know how we Grasshoppers are.
- Don't drive like you're in a NASCAR race. If you want to do it when I'm not around, that's fine. If I smell my butt when it goes past my nose from it clinching up tight thinking I'm about to die, you can bet this relationship is headed that way as well.
- Don't say you want to get a tattoo with my name on it. Too.....much....pressure.
- Don't lie about your little, or not so little, friend down there. Look, we're going to figure it out sooner or later. I won't to get into whether size matters or not. And, I know, woman are deceiving as well. We can work miracles with the right bra.
- Do cut your nails! Man with long fingernails - yuck. Cut me with your toenails - I will kick your tree climbing ass out of the bed. No do-overs either. The giggling grasshopper also has an eccentric, severe aversion to feet. Don't touch mine. And don't ask me to touch yours. Okay?
- Best impress your girl move ever? Don't push for sex. Wanna rock her world? Spend the night at her place and then tell her you didn't try anything because you didn't want her to think you were after one thing. Then brace yourself for the best tackle of your life.
You have suggestions? Certainly you do! Leave a comment...
By the way, all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. ;-)