"Girl, No You Didn't!" "Ummm... Yes I Did."

I have several friends who are going through divorces right now. Yeah... I know. Happy Freaking Holidays!

But, what awaits them is a miraculous experience! No, I'm not being sarcastic. I'm being serious. Just what awaits the newly single divorcee? Well, let me tell you.

Drugs. Yep. That's right. All you gotta do is tell your friendly family doctor that your soon-to-be exhusband is making your life a living hell and you'll score some good mood enhancing pharmaceuticals. Zoloft, Paxil, Valium, Ativan, Lunesta, Ambien... it's all there for the taking. And, yes, you should take it. It is much easier to deal with the pain of your marital life ending if you're comfortably numb.

Plenty of boys seeking a MILF. I'm just not into it. But, if you are, open the genie bottle and make your wish. Those little horn dogs are everywhere and they're looking for you.

Therapy. I did it. It's kind of a rite of passage in a divorce these days. Whether you need it or not, get therapy. My therapist loved me. Of course, she was convinced I didn't love myself. She actually told me to go home and talk to myself in the mirror. Oh crickets! You've got to be kidding me. However, she had a beaming smile on her face every time I walked through the door. Our sessions went something like -- (I tell her my latest stunt, prank, saying, escapade, idea, etc.) "Girl, No You Didn't," she would exclaim, shaking her head and laughing. To which I replied, "Ummm...Yes I Did." And then we would both laugh. Usually, there was around six of these per session. She even said I was one of her favorite patients and she couldn't wait for my appointment to hear what I'd been up to. Did it help? Hell, no. Was it fun? Kind of.

New underwear. As soon as you decide that your marriage is over with, the first order of business is buying new underwear. If it looks like your mom would wear it, throw it away. I said throw it away. Damn...just throw it away already! Never leave the house without your bra and underwear matching. Don't buy anything practical. Practicality is gone, sweetie. Buy something impractical and totally delicious. While you're at it, invest in some lingerie. A few things classy. A few things trashy.

Rearrange your furniture. This is actually very good therapy. If a man wants to know if I'm really over him, all he has to do is come over to my house. If I've rearranged any furniture, he's out like used toilet paper.

New Perfume. Find a new scent and start wearing it. Throw out the perfume that used to be your signature scent. Honey, your signature changed with the signing of a divorce decree, it's time to smell like it. Plus, women are programmed to have an emotional response that is triggered by their olfactory memory.

Keep a Journal. You don't have to do much. This isn't the Sisterhood of the Traveling Rants. Just some notes here and there. You'll thank me for for this months or even years down the road. You'll be able to look back and see how miserable you where then and realize how much happier and better your life is post divorce. Random thoughts, bitchy memos, poems that you like, songs that touch your heart, jot them down.

Binge and Purge. Despite what most people will tell you, I would advise you to binge and purge. What does that mean? Totally immerse yourself in the life that once was and your sadness. I mean really sink yourself into it. Gobble it up. Ask for more. Go through every single detail, watch your wedding video, look at photographs, do whatever you have to do to get to the point that you reach complete and total overload. And then purge. If you do it right, that purge will be the end of it. You'll stand up, put your shoes on and take a walk into your future.

Control Yourself. You can't control him. You can't control your lawyers. You can't control anything except yourself. Keep a tight rein on yourself. As long as you can keep yourself under control, everything else will be manageable. Don't get rattled. Don't say or do anything stupid. Always remember: You can't control anyone else. The only thing you can control is your own actions and reactions.

Do the Exact Opposite. This is my favorite. So, you're a bitcher? Don't be. Make sure that every reaction you have is the exact opposite of what he's come to expect of you over the years. If it is something that would usually make you mad, just laugh or ignore it. This totally screws with his mind. After all, one of the reasons he's divorcing you is that he thought he had you all figured out. Show him that he doesn't know crap. Channel your inner mysteriousness and put on a performance. You have to believe me. This one thing will give you untold joy and laughter now and even years down the road.

No Revenge Sex. No. No. No. No. Never. I mean never ever. It may sound like a good idea at the time, but it is never a good idea to bring someone else into your misery. It won't hurt your ex. It will hurt you. Don't do it. You have to get up and look in the mirror the next day. Make sure that you can hold your head up high so I can see your pretty little face when you do it.

Red Door Yourself. A new 'do, highlights, color, nails, a new outfit... Do something for yourself that makes you feel pretty. You're feeling pretty ugly right now. You're not! Do something to remind yourself that all of the prettiness inside and outside of you is still there, waiting for someone down the road who will appreciate it.

Laugh. Get with your girlfriends and laugh. Those things you wouldn't say before? Say them now. So he sounded like a deranged orangutan when he hit his high during sex? His crotch smelled like cockroach pee? He was scared of itsy bitsy mice and flying bugs? That's funny stuff right there. Laugh about it (and share it. We want to laugh, too). It will help you realize that you can do better. And you will girl. You will. 

Do Laundry. Notice how much easier it is without a man's clothes to pick up, sort, wash, fold, iron and hang up. Liberating ain't it? 

Watch Television. Watch anything you want. Cooking shows, chick flicks, vintage 90210, Desperate Housewives, it doesn't matter. Hold the the remote in your hand the entire time. Feel the buttons. Caress the coolness. Switch channels at random just because you can. 

Sleep Sideways in Bed. If you haven't done this before, you just have to. It is unbelievable! 

Change the Thermostat. Hot, cold, lukewarm. Change it anytime the mood strikes you. And yes you can change that internal thermostat as often as you like as well. From now on, you can always be at a comfortable temperature. Ahhhhh.... 

Eat Wherever You Like. Every man has that list of places he never wants to eat. Pick one each week and go there. Crank up on some Krystals. Tango at the Taco Bell. Kill you some Kentucky Fried Chicken.
My favorite ringback tone:
"We're bringing you a special report. This just in. Nine out of 10 people agree: you're a fucking asshole."
Get a Clever Ringback Tone. Get a ringback tone just for him. It needs to be something that will make you laugh each time he calls because you know he's having to listen to it. "Size Matters" is pretty funny. Don't have any ideas? Spend an hour on iTunes and search for songs that contain all of the bad words you wouldn't usually say. You'll find something. You'll know it's the right choice when you answer the phone and he is stuttering and stammering from the shock. My favorite I've used was a special report tone. It had the beeping that starts the special news reports and then says, "We're bringing you a special report. This just in. Nine out of 10 people agree: you're a fucking asshole." It was was awesome and then some. I've still got it, too. I'm keeping it for the next asshole who comes waltzing into my life and needs a little help finding his way back out.

And, above all, Remember the Alamo!

No comments:

Post a Comment